What Does "In Lieu of Flowers" Mean? (And What to Do)

"In lieu of flowers" means "instead of flowers." Families use the phrase in obituaries and funeral notices to ask for a different expression of sympathy, usually a donation to a cause they name or a gift in the person's memory. The right response is to follow the family's exact wording. They have told you what would help.

You looked this up because you want to get it right. That instinct is most of the job.

On this page

• What the family is asking for
• What to do
• Who the request applies to
• If you already sent flowers
• Choosing a gift when the choice is yours
• Giving as a group
• If you missed the funeral
• Obituary wording
• Frequently asked questions

 

What is the family actually asking for?

The exact words matter. Each phrase asks for something slightly different.

The notice says	What it means	What to do
"In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to [organization]."	The family has chosen a cause.	Give to that cause in the person's name.
"In lieu of flowers, please consider a gift in her memory."	The family welcomes a meaningful gift. The choice is yours.	Choose something connected to the person who died.
"Memorial contributions to the charity of your choice."	An open request.	Pick a cause the person cared about.
"In lieu of flowers, the family welcomes memorial trees."	The family wants a living tribute.	Send a memorial tree to the family's home.
"Please omit flowers."	A direct request for no flowers.	Send none. A handwritten card is always appropriate.

 

Why do families say "in lieu of flowers"?

"In lieu" comes from French and means "in place of." Most often, the family wants sympathy to go toward something the person cared about or something that will last. Sometimes the reason is practical. The service already has arrangements, someone in the home has allergies, or the family does not want to clear away dozens of arrangements the week after the funeral.
The phrase is not a rebuff. It is a family telling you, plainly, what helps.

What should you do when you see "in lieu of flowers"?

1.    Follow the wording. If the notice names a cause, that is your answer.
2.    Give in the person's name. Most memorial giving forms let you enter who the gift honors and where to notify the family, so they know you gave. Etiquette guidance suggests giving about what an arrangement would have cost.
3.    Write a card. Name the person who died and share one specific memory. If the words are the hard part, our guide to what to say when someone dies has examples.

Does "in lieu of flowers" apply to immediate family?

Usually not in the same way. The request is generally meant for the wider circle: friends, neighbors, coworkers. Close family often make their own arrangements for the service. If you are a sibling, child, or parent of the person who died and you are unsure what is expected, ask whoever is arranging the service. No one will mind the question.

Can you still send flowers if the obituary says "in lieu of flowers"?

You can, but the family has already told you what they would prefer. Etiquette guidance is consistent: honor the request first, and treat anything else as an addition. If the notice says "please omit flowers," send none.

What if you already sent flowers?

There is nothing to undo. Many people order before the obituary is published. If you would like to, follow the family's request as well, and mention it in a card. What the family will remember is that you showed up.

What is a meaningful gift when the family leaves the choice to you?

This is where most people freeze. A good memorial gift does three things:
•    It is connected to the person who died. Their name, their interests, the places they loved.
•    It is easy for the family to receive. Grieving people have little to spare.
•    It lasts past the funeral. The hardest weeks start after everyone goes home.

A memorial tree meets all three. Treebute, a veteran-owned memorial tree gift company, ships Treebute Kits to families in the contiguous 48 states. The family plants the tree, and it can grow for decades in the person's honor.

Planting is a small task, and often a meaningful one. Family gathers. Someone digs. Someone tells a story about the person who died. Then there is a place to come back to.

What arrives at the family's door

•    A nursery-grown tree, ready to plant.
•    Planting and care instructions, written for people who have never planted a tree.
•    Your personal message, so they know who was thinking of them.

When a memorial tree is the right choice

•    The family has a yard, or a relative, church, or friend with land.
•    They want a place to return to on anniversaries and birthdays.
•    They have cremated remains and want a way to plant with them.

When to choose something else

•    The notice names a specific cause. Give there.
•    The family is moving soon or has no place to plant.
•    The notice asks that all gifts be omitted.

Can you send a plant instead of flowers?

If the notice names a cause, give there first. If the family leaves the choice to you, a living gift is a thoughtful option because it lasts. Keep the reason for the request in mind. If allergies or limited space were the concern, a tree planted outdoors avoids the problem a houseplant would bring back inside.

How can coworkers or a group give together?

Workplaces, teams, and friend groups often want to send one gift from everyone. Choose one person to collect contributions and place a single order. If the family named a cause, the group can give there together. If the choice is open, one Treebute Kit with a message signed by the group is a simple way to send something that lasts.

Is it too late to send something after the funeral?

No. Sympathy is welcome weeks and months later, and often means more then. The flowers are gone, the visitors have stopped, and the family notices who is still thinking of them. A memorial tree sent a month after the funeral arrives at exactly that moment.

What can a family do with funeral flowers after the service?

Many families leave the service with more arrangements than their home can hold. The flowers do not have to go to waste. Ask your funeral director whether they can help you donate them to a hospital, hospice, or senior living community. In some cities, nonprofits do this work full time.

In St. Louis, Joy Petalers accepts donated arrangements from funerals, weddings, and other events. Their volunteers remake the flowers into small bouquets and deliver them to people in senior care, veterans' facilities, hospitals, and shelters, often people who spend a lot of time alone. It is a simple way for the flowers to do some good one more time.

How should a family word "in lieu of flowers" in an obituary?

For families and funeral directors writing a notice, specific wording helps friends do exactly what you hope for.

•    In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to [organization] in [Name]'s memory.
•    In lieu of flowers, please consider a gift in [Name]'s memory.
•    In lieu of flowers, the family welcomes memorial trees in [Name]'s memory.
•    The family asks that flowers be omitted.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does "in lieu of flowers" mean?

"In lieu of flowers" means "instead of flowers." Families use it in obituaries and funeral notices to ask for a different expression of sympathy, usually a donation to a named cause or a gift in the person's memory. The respectful response is to follow the family's exact wording.

Is it rude to send flowers when an obituary says "in lieu of flowers"?

It is not considered rude if you also honor the family's request. Etiquette guidance says to follow the stated wish first and treat anything else as an addition. If the notice says "please omit flowers," the family is asking for no flowers at all.

What is the difference between "in lieu of flowers" and "please omit flowers"?

"In lieu of flowers" suggests another way to show sympathy, such as a donation or a memorial gift. "Please omit flowers" is a direct request for no flowers. Read the family's wording closely and follow it.

Can you send a plant when the obituary says "in lieu of flowers"?

If the family named a cause, give there first. If the choice is left open, a living gift is a thoughtful option because it lasts. A memorial tree, such as a Treebute Kit, is planted outdoors, which avoids the allergy and space concerns that can come with indoor plants.

Can a memorial tree be given in lieu of flowers?

Yes, when the family's request is open or when they welcome memorial trees. Treebute ships memorial tree kits to families in the contiguous 48 states, each with a nursery-grown tree, planting and care instructions, and a personal message from the sender.

Can a memorial tree be planted with ashes?

Yes, with the right soil. Cremated remains are alkaline and high in sodium, which most trees cannot tolerate. Treebute offers an organic soil blend formulated to neutralize that, so a family can plant with ashes and the tree can still thrive. Ashes are optional.